Wednesday, July 17, 2013

@Ticklemeelzebub's timeline on Twitter

Tweets

  1. "I knocked it outta the park." ~Hobo Joe recounts his rocket-powered shopping cart's jungle gym collision/swamp crash landing
  2. Never be afraid to stand-up* for something you believe in. *change your Facebook status
  3. I left my best tweets on MySpace.
  4. I care about my tweets but not 'fine tune them like my crank baits' care. *a crank bait is a fishing lure* *ugh u ppl*
  5. ~ You're not obligated to win. You're obligated to keep trying to do the best you can every day. - Marian Wright Edelman ♥
  6. I like when I can actually taste the kale.
  7. No! Don't worry about it. It's totally chill. Eh, I'll catch it next time. I didn't mean to rush you. My SUPER bad~ Me, to Shazam.
  8. If by superpower, you mean a colorful dancing disco duck ball smell, then no. Which is code for yes as you can see and guess.
  9. Young niece got so pissed she intentionally knocked over 10-gallon bucket of paint onto floor. Now claims she had a blackout.
  10. I don’t mean to brag, but sometimes it takes a special kind of idiot..
  11. Tried to crowd-surf. Knocked out the entire front row with my board.
  12. I have the grant money. Should get to work, I guess. Time for me to prove that bat shit’s sane as fuck and just misunderstood.
  13. Teach your kids spitballs are dangerous when you knock an aging rock star out of a coconut tree with.. As many as necessary.
  14. “I’m not sure how much fucking longer I’m gonna be able to keep this shit up.” (Atlas, probably)
  15. First thing you're to do when someone falls off a ladder is stifle all laughter. You know, just so you know for next time,
  16. He'd go monkey see, monkey do, but the sheepdogs only knew 2 words of English and spoke moose. Irony was: Free Willy's name stuck.
  17. I have my own "Pinterest". It's a wall that I duct tape people to until they finally STFU.
  18. Social convention can suck it, yo.
  19. I don't understand airline security. A hippie with an acoustic guitar is more dangerous than an old lady with a cup of water.
  20. If you dig deep enough, there are lots of fresh tweets from great tweeters. Dig.
  21. The dude just woke up and... smaaaack. TWO fucking rainbows in your face. In your motherfucking face. I'd be freaking out yo
  22. Sir, this is no ordinary phone. It's also a dormitory for my friends. Be gentle until my return.
  23. Only those who have been crushed on the hill are prepared to learn.
  24. Shakespeare was not a big fan of fish... ...there's an unwashed Elizabethan vagina Tweet in that, but we just can't net it.
  25. have you a hand with which to pet me? o.O
  26. Everyday I like 2learn something. 2day I learn raspberries hav small pips which get stuck between teeth. Not big day in search 4 knowledge.
  27. If these phones are so smart why don't they keep us from tweeting stupid bullshit?
  28. It wasn't until he saw a boat full of animals that God realized some asshole left the water running.
  29. Making Twitter my happy place.
  30. Don't correct me. Accept me.
  31. I can't wait to see what the moral is at the end of the twitter story. But I betcha it's a doozy.
  32. Changing my avi back to the old one as no-one seemed to know who I was. Either that or my tweets were shit and I refuse to accept that.
  33. Had a sad talk with Kanye. His "Jesus Walks" song is historically inaccurate. I was there. I saw. Jesus got hit by a pitch.
  34. What part of "I'm stuck in my neighbor's doggy door" don't you understand?
  35. So, I'd prepared a little speech about the futility of this world & the persecutory concept of time,but the ceiling of 140,doesn’t allow me.
  36. TURTLE. Do you know what keeps the moon up? ME. Boy, you're stupid.
  37. I'm angry but not "let's do something about this", angry.
  38. Your RTs say more about you than your tweets.
  39. It takes sadness to know something is wrong. Sometimes it takes enough anger to make things change.
  40. I took a wizz. Accidentally misspelled it out on the wall, so it read, ‘whiz’. Was some seriously ironic genius shit. I mean, piss.
  41. Had shit all locked down and put away safe in my pocket. Things only started to go downhill.. When you pushed me.
  42. The baby of the 79 year old former American Idol judge never had a chance. hashtag Janiesgothisgums
  43. Just found a message in a bottle. It read: "Whatever you do, just don't tell Sting where I am."
  44. Candy nipple rings. Make that happen somebody...
  45. Defend you? Pfft. Not if it'll cost me my Favstar status.
  46. He's one taco short of a combination plate, if you know what I mean. (he ordered the combination plate and the waiter took one of his tacos)
  47. Time is money. Neither are real.
  48. Relax, nobody's looking at you, everybody.
  49. Guess what's next to impossible? Swing-set. It is at my library. Why? Because guy I work with doesn't know his fucking alphabet.
  50. Tooted my own horn by blowing smoke up the interviewer's ass. Didn't get job. Did cause bleeding. Next time I won't use a vuvuzela.
  51. My anguished fries fell on deaf ears. Actually, second large fry did. First bag I dumped just filled ‘em up.
  52. I only cry when 3.14.. gets mixed in with my onion. That's my opinion.
  53. She’s nuts expecting change from me & saying over & over that insanity's me doing same thing over & over expecting different outcome.
  54. All I asked the guy at the store for was some space & an apostrophe to go with the supermanscape I bought earlier.
  55. If you mean he’s been peeing sitting down since way before the twitter was born, then yes. They call me P Sitty. And I'm a twipster.
  56. Kanye's new song accuses whitey of assuming that blacks are materialistic. Good thing he's never perpetuated that stereotype in his raps.
  57. See, here's the thing about watching the local news: don't.
  58. There’s always one person in your phone who won’t un-dim even when you adjust the Brightness setting.
  59. I finally hear the voice of reason, and what do I do? I refuse to trust it. Instead, I just assume my house has gotta be haunted.
  60. Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. ~ Albert Einstein ♥
  61. If by purist, you mean: “One who tweets unexpurgated crap..” Then, yes. I’m a tweet purist.
  62. Hearing of the new Beetle coming out, REO Speedwagon broke their promise to keep on loving U & VW became all they gave a shit about.
  63. "Who cares? In forest, Big Foot can eat all the wild yellow raspberries he wants." ~voice in my head says not to mess with Sasquatch
  64. "I knocked it out of the park." ~Hobo Joe describes his crashing rocket-powered shopping cart into jungle gym & then landing in swamp
  65. "You're never going to start feeling better until you stop thinking positive." ~negative ions therapist
  66. ME. No grammar, no punctuation.. I can barely understand half the people I follow. SIS. Why bother? ME. Desperate to feel something.
  67. Pencils down. Pass your tweets forward. Class dismissed!
  68. The only klout I give a shit about is helping other people on here get noticed. Pay it forward.
  69. My tattoo of: "Caution - surface is hot" looks stupid now...but when I'm an old woman it's going to be hifuckinglarious.
  70. People who're unknowingly animated simply being themselves are memorable characters exuding vibrance into an otherwise dulling day.
  71. Tweet what you like. Retweet what/how you like. Delete what you like. Follow who you like. Unfollow who you like. Block who you like. Qs?
  72. Can you be "Less Cool", if you are not cool at all?
  73. Twitter is my inside voice's bounce-house. Those things are soundproof, right? RIGHT!?!
  74. if i had a dog id name him pooch
  75. Reality is wrong, Dreams are for real ~ Tupac Shakur, ♊ ♥
  76. Thank-you for being here ♥ One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives. ~Euripides ♎
  77. I don' wanna sound like pessimist or atheistic,but I don't expect to see any miracle in my life. 'cept that of Jefferson Starship on YouTube
  78. If I could teach my dogs to talk I'd teach them to say, "No way! You've got to be kidding me!."
  79. Roommate just told me she wanted "a Twitter" so she could tweet Kanye West, and long story short, a room just opened up you guys!
  80. My dad just discovered the song "Iris" so it's gonna be a rough couple of days.
  81. Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life, define yourself~H Firestone
  82. On Twutter u can get it off ur chest&by using code, no one really knows: I put up a new shelf today. I'm really disappointed in my shelf.
  83. Fred seems pretty douchey but I'd probably let Shaggy touch my boobs.
  84. Followers,Un-followers,Followers,Un-followers.For stupid accounts,it's a political campaign of revolving lunatics with no productive purpose
  85. Oh, I get it. A bunch of you guys got together and said: "let's tweet shit nobody can comprehend" - lol
  86. Eye of the tiger guys. Eye of the fucking tiger.
  87. There's a madness to my method.
  88. i want to be a secret agent like Bond, James Bond, but more secret. like not introducing myself everywhere i go secret.
  89. Big Bang Theory is either very cute or very cerebral. Cause I simply don't get it.
  90. Upset about "shitty tweets" being retweeted?"Then entertain us with ur bullshit.We could all use a lesson from a "better than the rest" fuck
  91. Took it. Ran with it. Tripped. Fell on it. Broke it.
  92. I'm starting to embrace my role as a two-star tweeter. I'm not underfollowed, I just cater to a VIP audience. My friends are all superstars.
  93. It's cute that some people still think you can't make real friends here.
  94. I almost certainly fuck things up & get it wrong. Often. Always(?) But my stupid heart's in the right fucking place.
  95. Just because they weren't the one doesn't mean the next one won't be. You gotta believe else we's all just poopyheads. So fucking believe.
  96. Being a pompous ass is the leading cause of people believing you're a pompous ass.
  97. Secretly nicknames ditzy coworker "Dial Up" (i.e., slow connection), chuckles at own genius, sends Tweet, hears crickets ... burns in hell.
  98. The thing that lets you x out engagement notices on Facebook is broken. Just like the entire system of marriage and also my VCR.
  99. I blame Schizophrenia for modern art.
  100. Every single one of your superstitions is ridiculous and you are more than slightly mad.
  101. Fuck you people who invented curse words for not creating worse ones
  102. I'm tryin'not use credit card.Not by dogmatism.I can’t stand the guilts that follow,who giggling ironically like a flock of bimbos in myHead
  103. RIP Brother! This song gave me much strength Richie Havens, Freedom, (Woodstock) via
  104. Siri, how do you get to Pound Town?
  105. I'm just happy that we're all existing here together.
  106. Eyes closed, ears covered, fight amongst yourselves
  107. I still don't believe anyone on twitter's a real person.
  108. my life is one long, awkward pause
  109. Don't make this weird, just love me.
  110. *falls down the rabbit hole*
  111. I don't know what's real anymore.
  112. *sends love for all humanity*
  113. My fellow Americans: you are getting verrrrryyyy sleeeeeeppppyyyyy {love is the only reality}
  114. Whatever you are, be a funny one.
  115. It seems America, that your senators actually represent (or are more scared of) the NRA, not the electorate. Sort that shit out!
  116. You don't hear cows banging on with THEIR alien abduction stories
  117. The problem with disease is in the naming. We should change them every year, so you don't carry the baggage of historical notions.
  118. Never take anything too seriously.
  119. So you lost an hour due to daylight savings.. Big deal, I lose 7 hours a day everyday on Twitter.
  120. Just used my Livestrong bracelet as a rubber band for all my drugs.
  121. People really identify themselves as juggalos. That is all.
  122. Some days are really meant to test me I think!
  123. ~Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character. Albert Einstein ♥
  124. I tried to introduce my children to the concept of taxation by taking a percentage of their Sunday donut. Guess what? They're Republicans.
  125. I know plenty of Spanish. Amigo = friend. Pequeno = little. Gracias = thank you. Soy sauce = I am sauce.
  126. You guys need to stop pretending dave matthews is good. We've let him believe it for long enough.
  127. Sometimes sarcasm is scarey and hard to grasp...*pats your head softly*
  128. Brian Posehn's The Fartist was tragically funny. It's on netflix. This metal video has very little to do with that:
  129. If "Cops" has taught me anything it's to stay away from people with blurry faces. They r nothing but trouble
  130. Don't blame me. You never said I couldn't use a permanent marker, to draw a monocle on your toddlers face, so she'd look more distinguished.
  131. There's just not enough guys wearing backwards hats at this bar.
  132. Am I the only person who doesn't know where to put my eyes when someone's breastfeeding? I mean, you know, boobies, but also, baby. Oh hell.
  133. I want to drive a car inspired by positive energy and inspiration.
  134. Jerry Springer should team up with Walmart for some sort of collaboration.
  135. I don't think I'll ever get closure until all of you RT all of my tweets.
  136. So question? Are poeple using Moist Wipes instead of toilet paper? And isn't it basically a Baby wipe? What the hell ?
  137. We're probably at our most sexy when we burp while gripping our right boob and squinting with one eye at Tweets. Probably. Not at all.
  138. The only thing more contagious than negativity is positivity.
  139. Coming up with something stupid to say, just to keep the conversation going.
  140. Can't say "look at my tits" w/ your boob avi & "I'm deep" w/ some philosophical bullshit in the same tweet. Twitter foul. Flag on the play.
  141. George Carlin and sandwich o'clock.
  142. I want 9 1/2 weeks. But with present day Mickey Rourke.
  143. You know those tweets that are guaranteed to bomb? Trust me, you should send those instead.
  144. Newbies: Don't worry about ppl who unfollow. You don't lose followers, you weed out weak fuckers who don't deserve to read your awesomeness.
  145. Pretty stupid that you keep retweeting me yet still refuse to follow me back or even star any of my tweets, Favstar Bot 16.
  146. Daft... *giggles* Daft daft... *giggles**giggles* Daft daft daft... *giggles**giggles**giggles* Even saying to myself it cracks me up!
  147. “Everything you can imagine is real.” ― Pablo Picasso ♥
  148. Just subtweeting myself again. Sigh.
  149. No more Bon Jovi tweets or i will block you.
  150. Time is valuable, yet, here we are....
  151. My "go to" sexual move is to explain how I think I look like a muppet while I have cookies in my mouth
  152. When you watch movies on an Xbox you should be able to use the controller to have little karate people fucking things up on the screen.
  153. There should be an "I'm sorry, is there anything I can do to help?" button here. I feel awkward starring the sad stuff, but I do care.
  154. Ooooops RT'd a bad word.
  155. If my coffee cup leaks on me one more fuckin time I'm kick stompin it straight to shit...
  156. My dog loves me...because he thinks I control the noodles...and I do...
  157. "be kind to those you love, be kind to those you don't... but for gods sake you've got to be kind"...
  158. Anarchy is the least radical. Schedule your own life. Pick your own tribe. Grow your own food. Make your own matter. Love everyone you want.
  159. Just cause I'll follow anyone back...does not mean I won't block you cause the first stupid shit ya post...
  160. You know that shit you heard that can ruin your whole day? Fuck that shit :)
  161. "Life is more vivid & putridly beautiful when it's cosmically sad"..said the Big Bad Wolf as he ravished Little Red Ridding Hood from behind
  162. I don't think the cats in this alley have ever even heard of rockabilly.
  163. The voices in my head are usually having sex & sometimes they let me watch. I asked once why the ball gag was so big, but they ignored me.
  164. My Instagram: dog pic, dog pic, I left the house and here's the proof pic, dog pic, dog pic.
  165. Children see magic because they look for it. - Christopher Moore ♥
  166. What do I want? Let's see. A man, with common sense. What? Oh. Well. Okay. Scratch that. I give up. No! NO,no. I'll just be happy instead.
  167. I'm known to contaminate crime scenes oafishly trudging through looking for my torn panties.
  168. Squats ladies! Squats for the win.
  169. Those who know how to love should teach others. Those who know how to fuck should call me.
  170. Fyi: people at laundromats get really aggressive when you troll around just waiting to sit on their machine during the agitation cycle.
  171. The cat walked over the candle, now my kitchen smells like burnt cat ass
  172. I love when I send such a funny text that the person doesn't respond for a while cuz they can't stop laughing
  173. Oddly enough, there's an incredibly relaxing unbathed-sitting on the couch naked-vibe that makes expressive writing so much fun.
  174. "Hey kids, don't pop pills, Pop Tarts! Wocka Wocka Wocka!"...What a Fozzie Bear anti-prescription abuse message would sound like on TV today
  175. It never occurred to me to misrepresent myself. In fact, that's why I came.
  176. mind your peas and weirdo's
  177. Looking back, I think it was my failure to get his Star Wars reference that put the final nail in that particular coffin. There is no try.
  178. Teach me, use me, claim me, study me, direct me, pose me, desire me, unwrap me, carry me, show me how to please. A lament of an unused muse.
  179. This is just hedonistic pleasure seeking of a perverted nature. But at the same time, meat pudding doesn't keep.
  180. If u RT or Star me, That's Twtr Luv, Good thing about it? Don't need a glove. Twtr lovin', real easy Best thing of all? U don't get diseasey
  181. I love it when I try and be cool and say 'Who's the Daddy' and my teen says 'No it's WHERE'S the daddy?' and I look guiltily at the patio.
  182. We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow ♥
  183. Juice boxes I ordered for Twitter Boot Camp have vanished off the loading dock. Hearing cursing, hooting, and "Fucking straw!" in the woods.
  184. There's only one real secret to Twitter, and that is TWEET. Tweet your stupid fucking heart out, the rest sorts itself.
  185. You fuckers just tell the World Wide Web. Guess you really don!t give a fuck.
  186. Yeah well my thumbs say I CAN win this war!! ...Me to tape, saran wrap, anything involving a curling iron and evolution
  187. I know some things. A few things. A couple. Two. Okay, one. I know one thing. Oh shit...I forgot it.
  188. <--- pro second chance.
  189. Who wants to come and do this fucking laundry with me? I blow job.
  190. And the words disappear with the misplaced button clicked called cancel. Otherwise known as Monday's mercurial way of humbling you.
  191. Can you imagine if twitter had secret tunnels.. Oh we'd be passing each other in trench coats, sunglasses 'you didn't see me, I wasn't here'
  192. Not only am I the president of sweaty girl butts dot com, I'm also a client.
  193. bears? what the fuck!!! you know the rules guys, don't let me drink and tweet. bears???
  194. It's cute how people follow me & after I follow back they unfollow. Firstly, I can count. Secondly, there are apps for that motherfuckers.
  195. Money can't make you happy. For example, I have $53 in my bank account and I'm still miserable.
  196. I don't care how smart you are. We gonna do it my way.
  197. talent overrides pretty heavy and kinda weird looking.
  198. My life is just one typo atfer another.
  199. The grossest thing about snakes is their inability to kickflip.
  200. Uhoh. 666 followers. Looks around* I may rumble today. That's okay. I've kicked butt like this before. Breathes on nails* Shines* Bring it.
  201. One day I will come back to this place with silly string and end all of these people.
  202. ~ "Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it." – William C. Durant ♥
  203. I don't remember why but I'm not wearing any pants right now.
  204. Letting go of something bad in your life, isn't a sign of failure, it's a sign of maturity that you're finally taking care of yourself.
  205. I'm stuck training a new employee today.. He's a talker.
  206. Something has to be done! Something must be done! But oh, not that. Something else, but something has to be done.
  207. Yoga sucks. Yeah I said it.
  208. I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
  209. People have the right to choose what they want and be who they are, but I'll never understand hate. Move along.....
  210. Take your labels of dejected minds and brokenness. They need not apply just because you have a few cloned minds to repeat after you.
  211. Remembering the days before tuna became middle class and let dolphin live in the same tin.
  212. The King of Spades, Queen of Hearts, Jack of Clubs and Ten of Diamonds walk into a bar.., dunno the rest of the joke, I have all the 2's.
  213. You are absolutely fine. There's nothing wrong with you. They just don't know what they're talking about.
  214. Thinking that last tweet was pretty good. We'll see.
  215. Maybe we're the ones saying glycerine wrong.
  216. Confusing massage with ass slapping since I don't know when.
  217. Sooooo I was checkin out this chicks ass when I got on the wrong train.
  218. Right Brain: You know that girl that follows everybody back but me? Left Brain: You're not going to let this go, are you? RB: Nope!
  219. My trust is deep enough... as proof, if I were a squirrel I'd let you touch my nuts.
  220. "The world stands aside to let anyone pass who knows where he is going." – David Starr Jordan ♥
  221. Newbies, you don't wait for followers, you go get them.
  222. That dog food commercial where the dog eats it, jumps over a bush and becomes a majestic wolf in mid flight doesn’t work for stupid poodles.
  223. santino says that we are 'all of the things.' and he's v smart. but idk i think i'm only about seven things
  224. That's the last time I try to dazzle a lady by putting glitter in my mustache.
  225. My favorite thing to do is laugh at a tweet I sent that is going to die in record time.
  226. You should always wear a jaunty hat so people know you're ready for an adventure. Swear that's how Indiana Jones got at least half his gigs.
  227. WOW! I JUST CAUGHT A FISH IN MY MOUTH! Jay kay, guys. Jay kay. It's cum. I'm not a bear.
  228. I need two grizzly bears to go to the market with me. To silently follow behind. That is all. That is all I ever need.
  229. So, apparently, Mayans still exist and a friend of mine adopted one and now she's all butthurt and this is why I shouldn't do facebook.
  230. Every time Frodo does a tragic face, I drink.
  231. Fact: when you guys @ me and I'm watching porn, I kinda lose my tingly feeling.
  232. The greatest win is found in keeping no score.
  233. Anyone on twitter need a teeth cleaning? Eh, never-mind. Some of your mouths are so dirty it's hopeless.
  234. Safety first. That's why I wear a helmet when I shower.
  235. I'm selfish 23 hours a day. The other hour, I'm pooping. I consider that my time giving back to the universe.
  236. This one time I tweeted about shit and didn't give a fuck about stars.
  237. Some one please explain to that starring in a popular teen sitcom isn't exactly "starting from the bottom".
  238. Respect yourself enough to walk away from things that don't make you grow, learn or laugh.
  239. Hail the Mayans. I know that's waay past their stupid prank, but I mean; who has ever made guys freak out that much?
  240. LITTLE PIG, LITTLE PIG LET ME IN! ...girls don't like it when you sing Green Jello to them to get them 'in the mood'
  241. Whenever I think I might be smother'n him, I just hafta remember that somebody's gotta bury tha hawg or there ain't gonna be no luau.
  242. My signature move is pretending to be happy & well adjusted when in fact, I'm in the throes of depression.
  243. When did we stop dreaming without caution?
  244. What gives, Feelings? I thought we had a deal.
  245. All men who have achieved great things have been dreamers. - Orison Swett Marden ♥
  246. ~ "Excellence is not an act but a habit. The things you do the most are the things you will do the best." – Marva Collins ♥
  247. blow the dandelions of chaos out the high-rise window into the wind of the cool grey morning
  248. I'm glad we're finally turning our clocks forward. Seems that these dials have been facing the walls for like FOREVER!
  249. ..."And he faded away into the back alley of a city with a mangy dog & a broken tambourine where he lived happily ever after"...
  250. there comes a time in our lives when we must ask ourselves "guess what?" and we must answer with "chicken butt"
  251. 1. Go to beach 2. Get jellyfish 3. Throw jellyfish at a cute guy 4. Piss on cute guy 5. Get married and babies and stuff
  252. Heathenism is a religion too. Where's our tax break?
  253. A waffle breakfast & a little understanding in 1978 would've prevented most of these tweets.
  254. In Hell, everyone will be asking " Was it something I tweeted?".
  255. Thank you for choosing Frankie Air, where nary a flying fuck is given.
  256. I can never help but wonder how many women send themselves flowers... I'm sure it's not nearly enough.
  257. An ice cream truck that sells ice cream with lists of bad choices on the wrappers would be a sobering way to warn parents.
  258. WARNING: This tweet was manufactured in a plant that also produces peanuts.
  259. Officially been here over a year. Does this mean I qualify for a t-shirt now? a crush? Oh hell, hot sex? A finger? Damn it gimme some thing
  260. Sorry Twitter - I blamed you for my failings. I should take more responsibility. - the sentiment that could end Twitter -
  261. Popeye's Chicken by an underpass with pigeons? Sounds legit
  262. Taylor Swift is pregnant and I had to find this out from a real person and not on Twitter? Y'all are slacking.
  263. As a humble person with a messiah complex, I'm easily embarrassed by many Christmas songs.
  264. "A bad habit never disappears miraculously; it's an undo-it-yourself project." – Abigail Van Buren

Labels: , , , , , ,