@Ticklemeelzebub's timeline on Twitter
Tweets
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Never be afraid to stand-up* for something you believe in. *change your Facebook status
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I left my best tweets on MySpace.
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I care about my tweets but not 'fine tune them like my crank baits' care. *a crank bait is a fishing lure* *ugh u ppl*
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~ You're not obligated to win. You're obligated to keep trying to do the best you can every day. - Marian Wright Edelman ♥
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I like when I can actually taste the kale.
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No! Don't worry about it. It's totally chill. Eh, I'll catch it next time. I didn't mean to rush you. My SUPER bad~ Me, to Shazam.
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floozy moms choose jizz
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He'd go monkey see, monkey do, but the sheepdogs only knew 2 words of English and spoke moose. Irony was: Free Willy's name stuck.
#ftwot -
I have my own "Pinterest". It's a wall that I duct tape people to until they finally STFU.
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Social convention can suck it, yo.
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I don't understand airline security. A hippie with an acoustic guitar is more dangerous than an old lady with a cup of water.
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If you dig deep enough, there are lots of fresh tweets from great tweeters. Dig.
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The dude just woke up and... smaaaack. TWO fucking rainbows in your face. In your motherfucking face. I'd be freaking out yo
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Sir, this is no ordinary phone. It's also a dormitory for my friends. Be gentle until my return.
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Only those who have been crushed on the hill are prepared to learn.
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Shakespeare was not a big fan of fish... ...there's an unwashed Elizabethan vagina Tweet in that, but we just can't net it.
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#np Too good to miss ==> Jed's A Millionaire - 'She Says' ~• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XWKfJWR0hA&feature=youtube_gdata_player … •~ -
have you a hand with which to pet me? o.O
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Everyday I like 2learn something. 2day I learn raspberries hav small pips which get stuck between teeth. Not big day in search 4 knowledge.
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If these phones are so smart why don't they keep us from tweeting stupid bullshit?
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It wasn't until he saw a boat full of animals that God realized some asshole left the water running.
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Making Twitter my happy place.
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Don't correct me. Accept me.
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I can't wait to see what the moral is at the end of the twitter story. But I betcha it's a doozy.
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Changing my avi back to the old one as no-one seemed to know who I was. Either that or my tweets were shit and I refuse to accept that.
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What part of "I'm stuck in my neighbor's doggy door" don't you understand?
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So, I'd prepared a little speech about the futility of this world & the persecutory concept of time,but the ceiling of 140,doesn’t allow me.
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TURTLE. Do you know what keeps the moon up? ME. Boy, you're stupid.
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I'm angry but not "let's do something about this", angry.
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Your RTs say more about you than your tweets.
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It takes sadness to know something is wrong. Sometimes it takes enough anger to make things change.
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I took a wizz. Accidentally misspelled it out on the wall, so it read, ‘whiz’. Was some seriously ironic genius shit. I mean, piss.
#tbot -
Had shit all locked down and put away safe in my pocket. Things only started to go downhill.. When you pushed me.
#ftwot -
The baby of the 79 year old former American Idol judge never had a chance. hashtag Janiesgothisgums
#ftwot#funnytweetsontwitter -
Just found a message in a bottle. It read: "Whatever you do, just don't tell Sting where I am."
#ftwot -
Candy nipple rings. Make that happen somebody...
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Defend you? Pfft. Not if it'll cost me my Favstar status.
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He's one taco short of a combination plate, if you know what I mean. (he ordered the combination plate and the waiter took one of his tacos)
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Time is money. Neither are real.
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Relax, nobody's looking at you, everybody.
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Guess what's next to impossible? Swing-set. It is at my library. Why? Because guy I work with doesn't know his fucking alphabet.
#ftwot -
Tooted my own horn by blowing smoke up the interviewer's ass. Didn't get job. Did cause bleeding. Next time I won't use a vuvuzela.
#tbot -
My anguished fries fell on deaf ears. Actually, second large fry did. First bag I dumped just filled ‘em up.
#tbot -
I only cry when 3.14.. gets mixed in with my onion. That's my opinion.
#tbot -
She’s nuts expecting change from me & saying over & over that insanity's me doing same thing over & over expecting different outcome.
#tbot -
All I asked the guy at the store for was some space & an apostrophe to go with the supermanscape I bought earlier.
#tbot -
If you mean he’s been peeing sitting down since way before the twitter was born, then yes. They call me P Sitty. And I'm a twipster.
#tbot -
Kanye's new song accuses whitey of assuming that blacks are materialistic. Good thing he's never perpetuated that stereotype in his raps.
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See, here's the thing about watching the local news: don't.
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There’s always one person in your phone who won’t un-dim even when you adjust the Brightness setting.
#tbot -
I finally hear the voice of reason, and what do I do? I refuse to trust it. Instead, I just assume my house has gotta be haunted.
#tbot -
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. ~ Albert Einstein ♥
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If by purist, you mean: “One who tweets unexpurgated crap..” Then, yes. I’m a tweet purist.
#tbot#thebookoftweet -
Hearing of the new Beetle coming out, REO Speedwagon broke their promise to keep on loving U & VW became all they gave a shit about.
#tbot -
"Who cares? In forest, Big Foot can eat all the wild yellow raspberries he wants." ~voice in my head says not to mess with Sasquatch
#tbot -
"I knocked it out of the park." ~Hobo Joe describes his crashing rocket-powered shopping cart into jungle gym & then landing in swamp
#tbot -
"You're never going to start feeling better until you stop thinking positive." ~negative ions therapist
#tbot#thebookoftweet -
ME. No grammar, no punctuation.. I can barely understand half the people I follow. SIS. Why bother? ME. Desperate to feel something.
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Pencils down. Pass your tweets forward. Class dismissed!
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The only klout I give a shit about is helping other people on here get noticed. Pay it forward.
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My tattoo of: "Caution - surface is hot" looks stupid now...but when I'm an old woman it's going to be hifuckinglarious.
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People who're unknowingly animated simply being themselves are memorable characters exuding vibrance into an otherwise dulling day.
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Tweet what you like. Retweet what/how you like. Delete what you like. Follow who you like. Unfollow who you like. Block who you like. Qs?
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Can you be "Less Cool", if you are not cool at all?
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Twitter is my inside voice's bounce-house. Those things are soundproof, right? RIGHT!?!
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if i had a dog id name him pooch
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Reality is wrong, Dreams are for real ~ Tupac Shakur, ♊ ♥
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Thank-you for being here ♥ One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives. ~Euripides ♎
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I don' wanna sound like pessimist or atheistic,but I don't expect to see any miracle in my life. 'cept that of Jefferson Starship on YouTube
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If I could teach my dogs to talk I'd teach them to say, "No way! You've got to be kidding me!."
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Roommate just told me she wanted "a Twitter" so she could tweet Kanye West, and long story short, a room just opened up you guys!
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My dad just discovered the song "Iris" so it's gonna be a rough couple of days.
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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life, define yourself~H Firestone
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No one really knows
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On Twutter u can get it off ur chest&by using code, no one really knows: I put up a new shelf today. I'm really disappointed in my shelf.
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Fred seems pretty douchey but I'd probably let Shaggy touch my boobs.
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Followers,Un-followers,Followers,Un-followers.For stupid accounts,it's a political campaign of revolving lunatics with no productive purpose
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Oh, I get it. A bunch of you guys got together and said: "let's tweet shit nobody can comprehend" - lol
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Eye of the tiger guys. Eye of the fucking tiger.
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There's a madness to my method.
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i want to be a secret agent like Bond, James Bond, but more secret. like not introducing myself everywhere i go secret.
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Big Bang Theory is either very cute or very cerebral. Cause I simply don't get it.
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Upset about "shitty tweets" being retweeted?"Then entertain us with ur bullshit.We could all use a lesson from a "better than the rest" fuck
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Took it. Ran with it. Tripped. Fell on it. Broke it.
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I'm starting to embrace my role as a two-star tweeter. I'm not underfollowed, I just cater to a VIP audience. My friends are all superstars.
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It's cute that some people still think you can't make real friends here.
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I almost certainly fuck things up & get it wrong. Often. Always(?) But my stupid heart's in the right fucking place.
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Just because they weren't the one doesn't mean the next one won't be. You gotta believe else we's all just poopyheads. So fucking believe.
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Being a pompous ass is the leading cause of people believing you're a pompous ass.
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Secretly nicknames ditzy coworker "Dial Up" (i.e., slow connection), chuckles at own genius, sends Tweet, hears crickets ... burns in hell.
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The thing that lets you x out engagement notices on Facebook is broken. Just like the entire system of marriage and also my VCR.
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I blame Schizophrenia for modern art.
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Every single one of your superstitions is ridiculous and you are more than slightly mad.
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Fuck you people who invented curse words for not creating worse ones
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I'm tryin'not use credit card.Not by dogmatism.I can’t stand the guilts that follow,who giggling ironically like a flock of bimbos in myHead
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RIP Brother! This song gave me much strength Richie Havens, Freedom, (Woodstock) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fA51wyl-9IE&sns=tw … via
@youtube -
Siri, how do you get to Pound Town?
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I'm just happy that we're all existing here together.
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Eyes closed, ears covered, fight amongst yourselves
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I still don't believe anyone on twitter's a real person.
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my life is one long, awkward pause
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Don't make this weird, just love me.
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*falls down the rabbit hole*
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I don't know what's real anymore.
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*sends love for all humanity*
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My fellow Americans: you are getting verrrrryyyy sleeeeeeppppyyyyy {love is the only reality}
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Whatever you are, be a funny one.
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It seems America, that your senators actually represent (or are more scared of) the NRA, not the electorate. Sort that shit out!
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You don't hear cows banging on with THEIR alien abduction stories
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The problem with disease is in the naming. We should change them every year, so you don't carry the baggage of historical notions.
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Never take anything too seriously.
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So you lost an hour due to daylight savings.. Big deal, I lose 7 hours a day everyday on Twitter.
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Just used my Livestrong bracelet as a rubber band for all my drugs.
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People really identify themselves as juggalos. That is all.
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Some days are really meant to test me I think!
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~Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character. Albert Einstein ♥
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I tried to introduce my children to the concept of taxation by taking a percentage of their Sunday donut. Guess what? They're Republicans.
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I know plenty of Spanish. Amigo = friend. Pequeno = little. Gracias = thank you. Soy sauce = I am sauce.
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You guys need to stop pretending dave matthews is good. We've let him believe it for long enough.
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Sometimes sarcasm is scarey and hard to grasp...*pats your head softly*
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Brian Posehn's The Fartist was tragically funny. It's on netflix. This metal video has very little to do with that: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-iWZX8u3_k …
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If "Cops" has taught me anything it's to stay away from people with blurry faces. They r nothing but trouble
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Don't blame me. You never said I couldn't use a permanent marker, to draw a monocle on your toddlers face, so she'd look more distinguished.
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There's just not enough guys wearing backwards hats at this bar.
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Am I the only person who doesn't know where to put my eyes when someone's breastfeeding? I mean, you know, boobies, but also, baby. Oh hell.
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I want to drive a car inspired by positive energy and inspiration.
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Jerry Springer should team up with Walmart for some sort of collaboration.
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I don't think I'll ever get closure until all of you RT all of my tweets.
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So question? Are poeple using Moist Wipes instead of toilet paper? And isn't it basically a Baby wipe? What the hell ?
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We're probably at our most sexy when we burp while gripping our right boob and squinting with one eye at Tweets. Probably. Not at all.
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The only thing more contagious than negativity is positivity.
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Coming up with something stupid to say, just to keep the conversation going.
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Can't say "look at my tits" w/ your boob avi & "I'm deep" w/ some philosophical bullshit in the same tweet. Twitter foul. Flag on the play.
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George Carlin and sandwich o'clock.
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I want 9 1/2 weeks. But with present day Mickey Rourke.
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You know those tweets that are guaranteed to bomb? Trust me, you should send those instead.
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Newbies: Don't worry about ppl who unfollow. You don't lose followers, you weed out weak fuckers who don't deserve to read your awesomeness.
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Pretty stupid that you keep retweeting me yet still refuse to follow me back or even star any of my tweets, Favstar Bot 16.
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Daft... *giggles* Daft daft... *giggles**giggles* Daft daft daft... *giggles**giggles**giggles* Even saying to myself it cracks me up!
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“Everything you can imagine is real.” ― Pablo Picasso ♥
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Just subtweeting myself again. Sigh.
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No more Bon Jovi tweets or i will block you.
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Time is valuable, yet, here we are....
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My "go to" sexual move is to explain how I think I look like a muppet while I have cookies in my mouth
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When you watch movies on an Xbox you should be able to use the controller to have little karate people fucking things up on the screen.
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There should be an "I'm sorry, is there anything I can do to help?" button here. I feel awkward starring the sad stuff, but I do care.
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Ooooops RT'd a bad word.
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If my coffee cup leaks on me one more fuckin time I'm kick stompin it straight to shit...
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My dog loves me...because he thinks I control the noodles...and I do...
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"be kind to those you love, be kind to those you don't... but for gods sake you've got to be kind"...
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Anarchy is the least radical. Schedule your own life. Pick your own tribe. Grow your own food. Make your own matter. Love everyone you want.
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Just cause I'll follow anyone back...does not mean I won't block you cause the first stupid shit ya post...
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You know that shit you heard that can ruin your whole day? Fuck that shit :)
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"Life is more vivid & putridly beautiful when it's cosmically sad"..said the Big Bad Wolf as he ravished Little Red Ridding Hood from behind
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I don't think the cats in this alley have ever even heard of rockabilly.
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The voices in my head are usually having sex & sometimes they let me watch. I asked once why the ball gag was so big, but they ignored me.
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My Instagram: dog pic, dog pic, I left the house and here's the proof pic, dog pic, dog pic.
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Children see magic because they look for it. - Christopher Moore ♥
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What do I want? Let's see. A man, with common sense. What? Oh. Well. Okay. Scratch that. I give up. No! NO,no. I'll just be happy instead.
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I'm known to contaminate crime scenes oafishly trudging through looking for my torn panties.
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Squats ladies! Squats for the win.
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Those who know how to love should teach others. Those who know how to fuck should call me.
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Fyi: people at laundromats get really aggressive when you troll around just waiting to sit on their machine during the agitation cycle.
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The cat walked over the candle, now my kitchen smells like burnt cat ass
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I love when I send such a funny text that the person doesn't respond for a while cuz they can't stop laughing
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Oddly enough, there's an incredibly relaxing unbathed-sitting on the couch naked-vibe that makes expressive writing so much fun.
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"Hey kids, don't pop pills, Pop Tarts! Wocka Wocka Wocka!"...What a Fozzie Bear anti-prescription abuse message would sound like on TV today
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bunny ears like surly
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It never occurred to me to misrepresent myself. In fact, that's why I came.
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mind your peas and weirdo's
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q's are weirdo's. u knows
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Looking back, I think it was my failure to get his Star Wars reference that put the final nail in that particular coffin. There is no try.
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Teach me, use me, claim me, study me, direct me, pose me, desire me, unwrap me, carry me, show me how to please. A lament of an unused muse.
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This is just hedonistic pleasure seeking of a perverted nature. But at the same time, meat pudding doesn't keep.
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If u RT or Star me, That's Twtr Luv, Good thing about it? Don't need a glove. Twtr lovin', real easy Best thing of all? U don't get diseasey
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I love it when I try and be cool and say 'Who's the Daddy' and my teen says 'No it's WHERE'S the daddy?' and I look guiltily at the patio.
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We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow ♥
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Juice boxes I ordered for Twitter Boot Camp have vanished off the loading dock. Hearing cursing, hooting, and "Fucking straw!" in the woods.
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There's only one real secret to Twitter, and that is TWEET. Tweet your stupid fucking heart out, the rest sorts itself.
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You fuckers just tell the World Wide Web. Guess you really don!t give a fuck.
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Yeah well my thumbs say I CAN win this war!! ...Me to tape, saran wrap, anything involving a curling iron and evolution
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I know some things. A few things. A couple. Two. Okay, one. I know one thing. Oh shit...I forgot it.
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<--- pro second chance.
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Who wants to come and do this fucking laundry with me? I blow job.
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And the words disappear with the misplaced button clicked called cancel. Otherwise known as Monday's mercurial way of humbling you.
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Can you imagine if twitter had secret tunnels.. Oh we'd be passing each other in trench coats, sunglasses 'you didn't see me, I wasn't here'
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Not only am I the president of sweaty girl butts dot com, I'm also a client.
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bears? what the fuck!!! you know the rules guys, don't let me drink and tweet. bears???
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It's cute how people follow me & after I follow back they unfollow. Firstly, I can count. Secondly, there are apps for that motherfuckers.
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Money can't make you happy. For example, I have $53 in my bank account and I'm still miserable.
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I don't care how smart you are. We gonna do it my way.
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talent overrides pretty heavy and kinda weird looking.
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My life is just one typo atfer another.
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The grossest thing about snakes is their inability to kickflip.
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Uhoh. 666 followers. Looks around* I may rumble today. That's okay. I've kicked butt like this before. Breathes on nails* Shines* Bring it.
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One day I will come back to this place with silly string and end all of these people.
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~ "Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it." – William C. Durant ♥
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I don't remember why but I'm not wearing any pants right now.
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Letting go of something bad in your life, isn't a sign of failure, it's a sign of maturity that you're finally taking care of yourself.
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I'm stuck training a new employee today.. He's a talker.
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Something has to be done! Something must be done! But oh, not that. Something else, but something has to be done.
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Yoga sucks. Yeah I said it.
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I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
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People have the right to choose what they want and be who they are, but I'll never understand hate. Move along.....
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Take your labels of dejected minds and brokenness. They need not apply just because you have a few cloned minds to repeat after you.
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Remembering the days before tuna became middle class and let dolphin live in the same tin.
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The King of Spades, Queen of Hearts, Jack of Clubs and Ten of Diamonds walk into a bar.., dunno the rest of the joke, I have all the 2's.
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You are absolutely fine. There's nothing wrong with you. They just don't know what they're talking about.
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Thinking that last tweet was pretty good. We'll see.
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Maybe we're the ones saying glycerine wrong.
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Confusing massage with ass slapping since I don't know when.
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Sooooo I was checkin out this chicks ass when I got on the wrong train.
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Right Brain: You know that girl that follows everybody back but me? Left Brain: You're not going to let this go, are you? RB: Nope!
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My trust is deep enough... as proof, if I were a squirrel I'd let you touch my nuts.
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"The world stands aside to let anyone pass who knows where he is going." – David Starr Jordan ♥
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Newbies, you don't wait for followers, you go get them.
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That dog food commercial where the dog eats it, jumps over a bush and becomes a majestic wolf in mid flight doesn’t work for stupid poodles.
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santino says that we are 'all of the things.' and he's v smart. but idk i think i'm only about seven things
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That's the last time I try to dazzle a lady by putting glitter in my mustache.
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My favorite thing to do is laugh at a tweet I sent that is going to die in record time.
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You should always wear a jaunty hat so people know you're ready for an adventure. Swear that's how Indiana Jones got at least half his gigs.
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WOW! I JUST CAUGHT A FISH IN MY MOUTH! Jay kay, guys. Jay kay. It's cum. I'm not a bear.
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I need two grizzly bears to go to the market with me. To silently follow behind. That is all. That is all I ever need.
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So, apparently, Mayans still exist and a friend of mine adopted one and now she's all butthurt and this is why I shouldn't do facebook.
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Every time Frodo does a tragic face, I drink.
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Fact: when you guys @ me and I'm watching porn, I kinda lose my tingly feeling.
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The greatest win is found in keeping no score.
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Anyone on twitter need a teeth cleaning? Eh, never-mind. Some of your mouths are so dirty it's hopeless.
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Safety first. That's why I wear a helmet when I shower.
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I'm selfish 23 hours a day. The other hour, I'm pooping. I consider that my time giving back to the universe.
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This one time I tweeted about shit and didn't give a fuck about stars.
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Some one please explain to
@Drake that starring in a popular teen sitcom isn't exactly "starting from the bottom". -
Respect yourself enough to walk away from things that don't make you grow, learn or laugh.
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Hail the Mayans. I know that's waay past their stupid prank, but I mean; who has ever made guys freak out that much?
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LITTLE PIG, LITTLE PIG LET ME IN! ...girls don't like it when you sing Green Jello to them to get them 'in the mood'
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Whenever I think I might be smother'n him, I just hafta remember that somebody's gotta bury tha hawg or there ain't gonna be no luau.
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My signature move is pretending to be happy & well adjusted when in fact, I'm in the throes of depression.
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When did we stop dreaming without caution?
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What gives, Feelings? I thought we had a deal.
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All men who have achieved great things have been dreamers. - Orison Swett Marden ♥
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~ "Excellence is not an act but a habit. The things you do the most are the things you will do the best." – Marva Collins ♥
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blow the dandelions of chaos out the high-rise window into the wind of the cool grey morning
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I'm glad we're finally turning our clocks forward. Seems that these dials have been facing the walls for like FOREVER!
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..."And he faded away into the back alley of a city with a mangy dog & a broken tambourine where he lived happily ever after"...
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there comes a time in our lives when we must ask ourselves "guess what?" and we must answer with "chicken butt"
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1. Go to beach 2. Get jellyfish 3. Throw jellyfish at a cute guy 4. Piss on cute guy 5. Get married and babies and stuff
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Heathenism is a religion too. Where's our tax break?
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A waffle breakfast & a little understanding in 1978 would've prevented most of these tweets.
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In Hell, everyone will be asking " Was it something I tweeted?".
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Thank you for choosing Frankie Air, where nary a flying fuck is given.
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I can never help but wonder how many women send themselves flowers... I'm sure it's not nearly enough.
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An ice cream truck that sells ice cream with lists of bad choices on the wrappers would be a sobering way to warn parents.
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WARNING: This tweet was manufactured in a plant that also produces peanuts.
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Officially been here over a year. Does this mean I qualify for a t-shirt now? a crush? Oh hell, hot sex? A finger? Damn it gimme some thing
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Sorry Twitter - I blamed you for my failings. I should take more responsibility. - the sentiment that could end Twitter -
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Popeye's Chicken by an underpass with pigeons? Sounds legit
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Taylor Swift is pregnant and I had to find this out from a real person and not on Twitter? Y'all are slacking.
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As a humble person with a messiah complex, I'm easily embarrassed by many Christmas songs.
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"A bad habit never disappears miraculously; it's an undo-it-yourself project." – Abigail Van Buren
#LoveScopes ♥
Throw it, I'm open
Acheeseball
Mr. Nova
gordon
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It's Leah
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secksual grandpa
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E
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B Smartt or dumb idc
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tricia (◕_◕)
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You Know !!!!!!!!!!!
CatasTrophy
Juddy
indie claws
From the desk of ...
Debbie Harry Cooter
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kelly
The Dork
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R_N
✟¥◣∈『.✙▲▼◥▆◤
Jimmer Cork-Bottle
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Carly Carlamity
Not Silvestri
Thea Marler
petemoss
Kelli
Katherine
Scarlett Fever
Madelene
©Cerebral Assassin
Zeke Kastens
@The•Same•Damn•Time
miss shushy paws
Celeste Riley
Jibber.Ish
Labels: #ftwot, #gaf, #gsoav, #jsntf, #tbot, tweets, twitter
posted by Taranonymous Reads Not the Book of Tweet @ 4:21 PM
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